Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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