so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
