nut hugger
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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