Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
