Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
