It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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