I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
