I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
