Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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