Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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