at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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