I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
