i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
