Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
