woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
