i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize