the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
