i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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