He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
two words...techno handjob
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
