I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.