Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE