I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
