What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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