I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
