btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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