My brain says no but my pants say off.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
