he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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