tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
