I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
