Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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