Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Someone signed my nipple.
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