You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
