this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
