I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
