I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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