It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
