I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
