Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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