Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
