my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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