I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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