I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
