her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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