If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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