3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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