Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
