I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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