last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
