maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
