Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
