nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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