There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
