I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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