This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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