He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
