I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
